


Losing my Religion

by TheGeniusCallsYou



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, F/M, Happy Ending, Post 8x06, The Red Door, his place is by her side, i think, post 8x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 23:52:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19095514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGeniusCallsYou/pseuds/TheGeniusCallsYou
Summary: “I don’t want to wake up from this dream.”It felt real. From his shirt crumpled in her hands to his scent entering her nostrils. She wished so desperately for it to be so and it hurt even more that it couldn’t be. Why? Why couldn’t she appreciate what she had right before her eyes?She could feel his lips slightly curling against the side of her head. She didn’t need to look up to know it was a sad smile.“We’ve both seen dragons being born to this world and dead rising from their graves. Who said this must be a dream?”





	Losing my Religion

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea in my head since the final and now I've finally made myself to write it.  
> I'm fairly certain that if you look up the definition of loyalty and devotion you find Jorah's picture next to it.
> 
> As it is, I'm not an English native speaker so all mistakes are my own. I've doubble checked for them but some almost always escape my eye. I Hope you will enjoy it nevertheless!

She knew she was asleep. There was no other explanation to why she suddenly was back to lying on the chaise longue placed on the balcony overlooking Meereen. The last time when she closed her eyes, it was among the ashes of what once was King’s Landing. She shuddered at the mare thought about what had happened.

As she moved to stand and rest her hands on the balcony she wondered what she was doing here. It seemed so peaceful, so unlike the recent events that she tried so hard to forget. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and she shut them hard to prevent them from falling. She felt as if she didn’t have the right to cry. She had to be strong as all wasn’t over yet. Fire and blood - that’s what she would bring to all of those who oppose her. Yet deep down she felt that it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

“If I could take away your sorrows, Khaleesi, I would.”

She turned around startled, eyes suddenly wide, hearing the voice she believed to never hear again. There he stood -Tall and dressed in his old, washed out yellow shirt just as she remembered him from the old days. Somehow he looked younger. The worry lines smoothed from his face and no visible scars could be seen from the opening of his shirt that were there after he battled grayscale.  
Jorah Mormont stood in front of her as if nothing had happened and no time had passed. As if he hadn’t died in her arms Not so long ago and as if she hadn’t betrayed everything that she had ever stood for.  
Tears burned her eyes as she looked back at him and she couldn’t have stiffen a sob that escaped her lips.

“How can you look at me?” She managed to say. This wasn’t what she intended to come out of her mouth. There were so many things to she should have said to him, yet she managed only that.

“Why shouldn’t I, Your Grace?” He looked at her startled for a moment as if it had been the stupidest thing she could have asked him. Like she hadn’t betrayed the trust he had put in her. Was this how he had felt on that day as she banished him?

“I don’t deserve to be called that. You know what I did.”

He briefly averted his gaze and she could see hurt flash across his features as he close his eyes and looked down.

“Yes, that I do.”

She had failed him. This was the moment she had fully realised that and turned away from him, not being able to withstand the look on his face. Clenching her fists as she rested them on the stony parapet and bowed her head. Even in her dreams she could not rest. Hadn’t she suffered enough already?!  
She heard his feet moving and soon enough, he was standing beside her. Not side by side but a step behind, as he always had, like a missing piece of a puzzle sliding back to its rightful place. Why it couldn’t be like this anymore?

“I’ve failed you, Khaleesi,” he spoke softly. “I swore to protect you and to stand by your side…”

“You didn’t fail me, ser Jorah,” she shook her head and whipped her eyes with her hand.

“I’ve died.”

“And you swore to do just that if needed be.” And here they were again, the tears in her eyes. She could feel the weight of his body in her arms, could smell his blood staining her cloths, could see light leaving his eyes. So many things had been left unsaid between them. She had thought they still had time. How foolish she had been. “It is I, who have failed you. Where is this gentle heart you eagerly spoke about, ser?”

She knew she was being foolish again, attacking him like that. It wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t been the one burning the whole city to the ground, it had been her. And it had been in her all along. That range, that madness. Lurking beneath the surface. Her whole life had been a lie.

She was shaking with tears fully streaming down her face, clogging her vision. She closed her eyes, wishing for all of it to stop. If it stopped, she could be free.

That’s when she felt them - strong arms wrapping around her, holding her tightly. She struggled at first - she didn’t deserve his pity nor his touch. There was a time, when it had been another way around, after his betrayal had come to light. She understood now, how he had must felt in that moment, when she had forbidden him to touch her ever again. There was a completely different reason why that touch shouldn’t have been allowed now, monsters like her didn’t deserve mercy.

“That heart is still in there,“ he said softly as he cradled her head to his chest, stopping her from struggling to break free. “It was just ripped apart too many times and got a little lost on its way.”

“How can you touch a monster like me?” She whispered as she pressed her face to his chest inhaling his scent. He had never held her like that before. Never had dared to. She wished he had. It felt right.

He didn’t answer right away and she felt something bitter settling inside her stomach. His arms around her loosened and panic overtook her. She didn’t want him to let go. Not again, not ever. But his arms didn’t let her go. They moved up, not breaking the contact as if he knew exactly what she was feeling and thinking, to rest on top of her shoulders. Of course he had understood. He always had.

“Dragons are not monsters, my Queen. And you aren’t one either.” She looked up at him and her was momentarily struck at what she saw in his eyes. There was no judgment there. Sadness yes, but no judgment. “In the end, you are just human like the rest of us.”

Her chin wobbled as she looked at him and then slowly risen her hand to rest it against his stubbled cheek. She couldn’t look away now. She wouldn’t.

“I burned them all, ser Jorah. Women and children.” She saw the flash of hurt again in his eyes but she didn’t break the eye contact, neither did he. “I still can hear them screaming in my head. More will burn, I can’t stop, there is no turning back from that, I can only go forward… I have the throne now, but it hurts… I don’t want it to hurt so why it still does?!” She broke down completely then. Her hand dropped from his cheek and she clutched both his forearms tightly as they were now the only thing preventing her from falling.

He cradled her again then, whispering words into her hair that only made her cry harder. Because how could he believe that there was still hope for her? She didn’t resist this time, just wrapped her arms around him as if he were her anchor. In a way he always had been just that. An anchor. Without him, she was lost. Now it was truer than ever.

_You must be their strength. As you are mine._

She wished he had held her like that in the past. She had hugged him after he had come back to her to make sure he had really been there and not just a hallucination. He hadn’t returned it. He had never dared to return any of her gestures even if he wished to. Sometimes she had wished that he had followed his desires. If he had, maybe it all would have turnued out differently. Or maybe not. One could not tell.  
They would never know. They had always been beyond each other’s reach. Dancing around and hurting one another as if checking how much one could take before the other broke. She had hurt him more than he had, that she knew, but then he had died and she had never been the same ever again. She needed him, more than he needed her and she hadn’t realised that until it was too late. Until she was crying over his cold, dead body.

“I wish I were there for you. I would gladly take away your pain and made it my own, you know I would.” He whispered against her ear with a broken voice.

“I wouldn’t want you to suffer like that, not you.” She mumbled against his neck as she hid there her face.

“Khaleesi…”

_All I ever wanted was to serve you._

“I need you to hold me. Please, Jorah don’t let go.” She didn’t let him finish. She felt so small and helpless again. Just as she had been in those early days in the khalasar. He had always been there. Supporting, helping and carrying her when needed be. She needed to feel safe again even if for a moment. Even if those arms tightening around her yet again and his stubbled cheek resting against her temple were just an illusion.

“I don’t want to wake up from this dream.”

It felt real. From his shirt crumpled in her hands to his scent entering her nostrils. She wished so desperately for it to be so and it hurt even more that it couldn’t be. Why? Why couldn’t she appreciate what she had right before her eyes?  
She could feel his lips slightly curling against the side of her head. She didn’t need to look up to know it was a sad smile.

“We’ve both seen dragons being born to this world and dead rising from their graves. Who said this must be a dream?” She shifted slightly to look up at him. There were tears in his eyes too. He opened up to her in that moment and she could easily read him like a book. Just as he had always been able to.

“You don’t hate me? How could you not hate me?” She moved her hand to his face once again while the other rested on his chest but he caught it in midair.

“I could have never hate you, Khaleesi.” He said while looking into her eyes and taking a little step back. “It is impossible to hate someone you truly love, even if the love itself hurts.” He then brought both of her hands to his lips, much as he had done when he had left beyond the Wall but his time he didn’t look down while bowing.

“I did love you, Jorah. I just wish I had realised it sooner.”

He smiled at her and then tucked a lone strand of hair behind her ear.

“What you gave me was more than enough.”

She freed her hand from his and rested it on his shoulder to hoist herself. His hand was still resting on the place behind her ear as she climbed on her toes to catch his lips with hers. She had never kissed him before, not like that. He kissed her back gently, even now not daring to do anything more. She sagged against him, wanting more but he was the one who broke the kiss, moving to rest his cheek against hers.

“My place will always be by your side, I will wait for you be the red door when the time comes,” he whispered.

She wanted to ask him what he ment but she she felt lightheaded all of sudden and her knees buckled. The image of Meereen vanished and darkness consumed her vision.

*

She didn’t remember any of the strange dream as she woke up. The only thing remaining was the dampness on her cheeks and the feeling of strong arms wrapped around her. She didn’t thought much of it, not until hours later as she felt a knife plugging into her chest.  
She didn’t feel any pain, only confusion.  
This too soon went away.  
As Jon lowered her onto the ground she was no longer seeing him. She was in front of a red door surrounded by a scent of lemons. He was waiting for her, just as he had promised. As she took Jorah’s hand in hers she finally felt at peace and smiled.

Here they stood.  
Together.  
Side by side.  
They were home.


End file.
